I came across some helpful online resources this week that I wanted to share.
https://www.verywellfamily.com/online-communities-for-grandparents-4148016
I came across some helpful online resources this week that I wanted to share.
https://www.verywellfamily.com/online-communities-for-grandparents-4148016
Last week we received a call from Sebellah’s school saying that she was not feeling well. So, I went to the school to pick her up early. When the school’s front office person brought Sebellah out to me, she said, “Go with Grandpa”. As we were walking to the car, Sebellah said, “That was funny. She called you a Grandpa, you’re my Dad”.
My heart always melts when she calls me, “Dad” or when she tells a newfound playground friend that I am her “Daddy”. Sebellah calls me “Pops” and she calls Allene, “Lolli”. Our daughter thought, “Lolli” and “Pops” was cute for us to be called, when Kamdyn, our first grandchild was born. It is cute, but it also could mean that we are two “suckers”. So, we are “Lolli” and “Pops” to all of our six grandchildren. At the same time, we have chosen to allow Sebellah to call us “Mom” and “Dad” when she chooses to. In reality, we are her “Mom” and “Dad”, both legally, as adoptive parents, and in practical experience. Unfortunately, we lost Sebellah’s mom to an overdose in September of 2019. She had not seen her a year and a half, prior to her death. Sebellah’s dad recently was released from prison. At this point, we have chosen to have contact with him ourselves, sending him pictures and updates about Sebellah, but not allowing a relationship with Sebellah. We have told him that if and when she asks for information about him, we will be honest with her and answer her questions. We are open to him having a relationship with her at a later date, if we believe that it is her best interest and safe. Our main approach is to answer her questions as she asks them and to be honest with her in an age-appropriate manner.
Our approach is “our approach”. I believe that it is important that to say that there are very few “rights” and “wrongs”, when it comes to how we each parent the grandchildren that we are raising. Each of us find ourselves in unique positions, with unique circumstances and face unique challenges. We will each have to make our own decisions about what is best for our grandchildren in our unique situation. Of course, knowing which approach or strategy is best for our grandchildren can be very difficult to determine. This is another reason why finding a support group can be very helpful. It can be very helpful to hear from other people who can relate to your experience and to hear from them about how they have or are handling similar situations.
I do believe the key is to always consider what is in the best interest of our grandchildren. The interests of our adult children or other people’s opinions, should not be our guide or deciding influence. It is always, what is best for these precious little ones or sometimes, not so little ones, who are in our care. As far as what Sebellah calls us and what information we share with her about her biological parents, we have chosen to allow Sebellah to take the lead, and we have chosen to “Follow her lead”.
Sharing the Journey,
Rich (“Pops”)
I wanted to share some thoughts about how to “survive” as a grandparent raising grandchildren. I actually hope that these thoughts will not only allow you to “survive” but actually to “thrive” in your endeavor. I am going to use the word, “Survive” as an acronym to help us thing about the tools that empower us as grandparents.
Seek Support – It is very difficult to do this by ourselves. We need to seek the support of a team of people who can help us and our grandchildren. Fortunately, Allene and I have the support of many family members that have been awesome, and definitely are a vital part of our team. Seek out a support group in your area. We are in the process of starting our second support group. We started one in Arizona, and now after being in North Carolina for a year, are starting a support group here. Seek out local non-profit organizations for assistance and support. You can check out our new website, Mountairygrands.com to see what are some national organizations that can provide some support.
Understand the Paradox – The journey of raising a grandchild is quite the rollercoaster ride. It is full of “joys” and “challenges”, and unfortunately, we don’t get to choose which we experience when. The choice to raise your grandchildren is a choice that you would make again in a heartbeat, and yet, a choice that you wish that you had never had to make. It is important that we give ourselves permissions to experience both the joys and the challenges. We are human and this will definitely always be a human experience. Give yourself permission to be “Human”.
Respite – We will need time of respite. The term “respite” means a short time of rest or relief from something difficult or unpleasant. Yes, at times it is very difficult and even unpleasant. We need time for ourselves and it is important to find people who can offer us periods of a break. That can be for an afternoon or for a weekend. The time of respite is vital for both you and your grandchildren. You both win! So, it is important to seek people who would be willing to help out with the care of your grandchild for an afternoon or even a weekend. I do understand that for some grandparents, find these people can be challenging.
View – In order to survive our experience, we will need to adjust our view of our circumstances and the world that we live in. I facilitated a grief recovery group for six years. One of the principles we used in the group was that, “The world as you knew it, no longer exists”, related to how the world has changed because of your loss of your loved one. A similar principle applies here. The world as we knew it, before we took custody of our grandchildren, no longer exists. Our world is totally different. It has affected us financially, socially and physically. A key is to find our way to seeing that we now have a new “purpose” in life and that we are committed to succeeding at accomplishing that new purpose. In many ways, gaining a new purpose can be a blessing for us, as well as our grandchildren.
Initiate Boundaries – I will be honest in that initiating and maintaining boundaries has been a lifelong challenge for me. Allene is much better at it than I am. That being said, I do understand the importance and value of boundaries. Boundaries provide us with a sense of identity and security, for ourselves, as well as, our grandchildren. We need to establish and maintain healthy and effective boundaries in our role as a parent. Unfortunately, we don’t get to be the weekend grandparents that come in and spoil the grandchildren, and then send them back home to their parents. Our grandchildren, don’t go back home. They are home! Although they can be challenging to implement and maintain, effective and consistent do the hard work of parenting for us and provide our grandchildren with the safe parameters to grow into becoming healthy and productive adults, eventually. We will also have to maintain healthy boundaries with our grandchildren’s biological parents, if they are still involved in their lives. That can be very challenging at times. Often, you are having to battle your own biological children in the best interest of your grandchildren.
Venture Back To School – Yes, you may have to be a part of your grandchildren’s school experience, which you had not quite planned on, but I am talking about the need for us, as grandparents going back to school ourselves. The world that we raised our children in, no longer exists. We are raising our grandchildren in a very different world from the world that we grew up in or raised our children in. We may need to go back to school in some way to learn about the new technological world that our grandchildren are living in. One way we can do this is to get to know younger parents, either in your own family or through your grandchildren’s school or your religious organization. Don’t be afraid to hang out with younger parents. You will probably both benefit from the relationship. We also need to be open to learning new techniques and strategies to parenting. We have learned a lot in recent years about how to help children grow and develop in a positive manner. I would suggest doing some reading or attending a parenting workshop that focuses on positive parenting techniques and strategies.
Experience and Express – I love these two words. In my mind and experience, they are the key to emotional, relational and physical healthiness. The word “depress” literally means to “push down”. When we push down our emotions, it can often lead to some level of depression. The opposite of depression is “expression”. Children experience and express naturally. The experience anger or pain, they express their anger or pain, and then they go play. It is only later in life that we start to learn “not” to experience and not to express our emotions. Unfortunately, the consequence is that we don’t get to go “play”, because we have not completed the healthy process of emotional experiencing and expression. Learning how to improve our emotional intelligence, awareness and expression is vital to our emotional, relational and physical well-being. We can express ourselves through talking, writing, art or physical activity. This is why finding a support group or a group of good friends is so important for grandparents raising grandchildren. Experience and Express!
So, hopefully these thoughts are helpful for you as you continue your journey of a grandparent raising grandchildren. You and your grandchildren deserve not only to survive, but to thrive! You can do it!
Sharing the Journey,
Rich (Pops)
Support Group Meeting – Second Tuesday of the Month
7:00 PM ET Time –https://us02web.zoom.us/j/82582699327?pwd=Y0twZzREaktZb1dSY1JXT0ZKbmhRdz09
12:00 PM ET Time-
https://us02web.zoom.us/j/89119775042?pwd=Y0ZPMlZwRndkTWxnVUJUNG5QZVpJZz09
Wow! What a year! I know that all of us were glad to see 2020 come to a close and that we are hopeful that 2021 will be a more “normal” year. Hopefully, 2021 will be more normal, and yet, I sense that our lives will forever be different and never again, “as it was”. So, we are looking for a “new normal”.
The picture that I just described is also what all of us that are raising our grandchildren, have experienced, and will continue to experience, finding a “New Normal”. Our lives, and the lives of our grandchildren will never be as they were. Our whole experience is about discovering a “new normal” that is safe and productive for our grandchildren and ourselves. Just as 2020 was a year of crisis, turmoil, tragedy and life, as we have never experienced it before. The same could be said about our experience coming into situation when we became, “grandparents raising grandchildren”. We all were ushered into our new roles as a result of a time of crisis. For many of us, that time of crisis was not a crisis lasting a few days, but often, a time of crisis lasting years. Our grandchildren were the main victims of those times of crisis, and the ones who experienced the greatest hurt and loss.
Our goal as grandparents who are raising our grandchildren, is to provide a “new normal” for our grandchildren that is characterized by safety, consistency, nurture, support, and obviously, love. We were fortunate that we were able to intervene in Sebellah’s story very early. We have had her in our care since she was 5 months old. Although it was early, those first 5 months of her life were very chaotic and tragic, with lasting consequences. She is a beautiful and healthy young lady of 6, today, and yet she still struggles with fears and anxieties that I believe can be traced back to those first 5 months of her life. Fortunately, we have been able to discover and maintain a “new normal” for her that will offer her the opportunity to be successful and to discover all of the wonders of her unique “giftedness” that makes her, Sebellah. We are fortunate to have a great resource of friends and family members that have assisted us in creating that “new normal” for her.
Allene and I have also had to find our own “new normal” and we are having to redefine it every day. There are times that I do definitely miss our previous life and wonder what our lives would be like if we were not in this situation. That kind of grief is a normal part of this journey and one that is okay, and even healthy, to acknowledge. Although there are times of grief, the greater experience is joy and thankfulness for the positive impact that Sebellah and our experience of raising Sebellah has had on our lives.
Developing and maintaining the “new normal” is hard work and we have constantly remind ourselves that it is important to keep working at it. We have to work at finding the energy to be a parent at this stage of our lives. We have to work to find and maintain friendships that are important for our own well being. Allene is better at that than I am. We have to work to be able find the balance of being Sebellah’s “parents” and “grandparents” to our other five grandchildren.
As we start this new year of 2021 and are turning toward a more hopeful life experience this year, I am thankful for the opportunity to be an instrument in the “turning point” experience for Sebellah and I am thankful for her and the instrument that she is the “turning point” in my life and in our lives.
Sharing the Journey,
Rich (“Pops”)
Our family has been in North Carolina for a year now. Sebellah has started kindergarten and is doing well. 2020 has been a challenging year, as it has been for all of us. Sebellah did get fitted for hearing aids and overall, has done well with them. We love our new home and look forward to 2021 and hopefully being able to further explore our new surroundings. I am hopeful about 2021!
We are excited about a new opportunity that we are exploring. We met last week with representatives from the school district in Mount Airy and some local non-profit organizations and discussed with them about the possibility of partnering with us to start a new Grandparents Raising Grandchildren support group. They are said that they would like to partner with us and appear to be willing to help in any way that they can. We have a follow up meeting on January 4th. We will probably get started with a Zoom type meeting, with the goal of face to face meetings in the fall of 2021.
I have taken time off from writing on this blog but I am planning on restarting regular posts, offering my own experience as a grandparent raising a grandchild, as well as resources as we come across them.
Sharing Life’s Journey!
Rich (“Pops”)
I had the opportunity last week to take a time of “respite” and go to Tennessee and visit my son and his family. I had a great visit and it was nice to have an opportunity to be there and just be, “Pops” with Kamdyn and Evie, two of my other grandchildren. We met them last summer at Disney World but during the visit, I was Sebellah’s parent first, and “Pops” to Kamdyn and Evie, second. That is a dynamic that you may not always think about, unless you are in the situation. Raising a grandchild does definitely affect your ability to be a grandparent to your other grandchildren. It affects the energy, time, and focus that you might otherwise have to offer them. So, I took the trip to Tennessee to be able to offer my undivided focus and attention to Kamdyn and Evie. It was time well spent.
It is important to find times and means of “Respite”, during this experience of raising a grandchild. We have to survive this experience as well, and we need times to be able to refill our emotional and physical gas tanks. We may need an individual respite and if you are married, you will definitely need times of respite as a couple. Times of respite not only benefit us as individuals and couples, but our increased healthiness will benefit those precious ones that we are caring for on a daily basis.
Of course, one of the issues in being able to experience times of respite, is having the resources of people to help us. Hopefully, you have some family members who can help, but not everyone does. One of the things that we hope to develop is a babysitter resource list. A few days of respite is great, but evening a night out to go to dinner or an event, is a great gift for grandparents raising a grandchild.
I am so thankful for Allene, my wife, who was willing to take on double duty for a few days, so that I could take my 5 days of respite, and make the trip to Tennessee.
Sharing the Journey,
Rich, “Pops”
Wow! What a night! Our first Grandparents Raising Grandchildren support group was a great success. We had 12 grandparents attend and 9 children. It was obvious that every grandparent in attendance, appreciated having a place where they can come and know that others understand their experience. Each grandparent told their own story that led to their raising their grandchild. Each story had its own uniqueness and yet, their were common themes of pain, chaos, uncertainty, and challenges. Each grandparent also communicated the joy and blessing that comes with the opportunity to step in a provide a safe and loving home for their grandchild.
One of the other clear themes that came through was the challenge of dealing with a parent who is struggling with an addiction or mental illness. Their is the paradox of the love you still feel for your own child and the anger and pain experienced when addiction takes over their lives, and interferes with their ability to be a safe and loving parent for their child, your grandchild. One of our goals of our group, is to provide support for grandparents who are currently dealing with this paradox.
Another exciting part of what we are experiencing in our launching of our support group is the support of so many community organizations. Prescott Unified School District has been great and providing a great location and helping promote the group. They even provided the childcare for our first group. Matforce has made a commitment to provide the funding for ongoing childcare for the group. NACOG has also helped to promote the group and is helping with the cost of snacks for the group. We also have had several organizations state that they would be willing to come to our group to share about the services that they can provide for the grandparents.
Our support group will meet monthly, on the second Wednesday of the month, from 6:00 p.m. – 7:30 p.m. at the Resource Center, located at the PUSD offices in the old Washington School building on Gurley Street.
I often joke with the students that I work with as an outdoor education instructor that I am “Old School”. I say, “I’m old and I’ve been to school”. Some times they laugh. Well, as grandparents, raising grandchildren, we have a choice to make. Are we going to insist on being, “Old School” and parent in the same way that did our first time around, or, are we willing to go back to “school” and learn new ways of parenting and supporting our grandchildren? I am tempted to be “Old School”, but I am working on going back to school and seeking to learn. So, what might be some of the things that I may need some education on.
First, I need to learn new and updated methods of basic parenting. Overall, I think I was a good parent the first time around, and yet, I had some weaknesses, of course. I struggled with consistency and setting and maintaining appropriate boundaries and limits. I did too much protecting at times and always trying to prevent situations that might be painful for my children. I am currently reading, “Love and Logic” that addresses those weaknesses particularly. I still find myself making those same mistakes with Sebellah, and so, I am working on learning how to respond to her differently, that will be more in her best interest.
Second, and maybe this should be first, I need to constantly be a student of who Sebellah is. I believe our children and grandchildren come into our lives as unique gifts, with unique talents, personalities, skills. learning styles and modes of operations. I raised boys the first time around, so I am having to learn how raising a girl is different than raising a boy. I need to learn how to encourage and build up Sebellah’s unique giftedness.
Third, I need to become a student of our ever changing world and the world that Sebellah grow up in. I am fairly competent in today’s technology, and yet, I have so much to learn about that technology and the social media that will be a major part of her life. I don’t believe that I can totally protect her from the evil’s therein, but I can be a resource for her as she learns to navigate her world.
Fourth, I need to always we aware of the impact of Sebellah’s life before she came to live with us. In our case, we are fortunate that she came to be with us when she was only 5 months old. And yet, those 5 months were very chaotic and traumatic. I know that for many grandparents, their grandchildren are coming to them after many years of chaos and trauma. It is important that we take opportunities through reading, the internet and workshops, to learn about how trauma can affect children.
These are only a few of the lessons that I and grandparents raising grandchildren, need to learn. I like to say, “Life is a Process and that Process is Life”. An important part of that process is the process of being a lifelong student. When we practice being lifelong students, we benefit and those who are in our care will benefit greatly as well.
Sharing the Journey!
Pops (Rich)
The following is an interesting article with some updated research and statistics related to the number of grandparents that are raising grandchildren today.
I hope you find this article helpful.
Rich, “Pops”
Grandparents Raising Grandchildren